Dear Kids : sometimes your mom has no idea what the right thing is to do, and I am not always right.
I’m also 100% ok that you know that.
…….
Shocker.
I don’t have all the parenting answers.
Nope. 14 years in, still don’t.
In fact, I think that was the biggest shock as a young new mom.
It’s that i was a mom. I was the adult. I had these little humans depending on me, and I had no idea what to do A LOT OF THE TIME!
That really freaked me out!!
Did I think I would have instant mom-spider-sense with all the answers the moment I birthed my first born?
Maybe that “all knowing mom sense” would come when my toddler threw their first tantrum in Walmart ?
Surely the day my oldest turned into a teenager, by then I would feel confident that I had every possible mom-catastrophe situation Answer in my back pocket ready to wield gracefully in a difficult parenting moment.
NOPE. Not at all!!
In fact, MOST the time the in all the FIRSTS of parenting I DONT know what to do!
Most the time, I DON’T react the best way in the moment.
Most the time, I DON’T always say the right thing.
And sometimes, I DON’T always make the right decision.
Yikes. That sounds like I’m a parenting train wreck!
The truth is, becoming a parent doesn’t instantly make you a good one.
Does a brain surgeon just pick up a scalpel and instantly know how to cut a persons brain open and not ruin it?!!
Of COURSE NOT!
Parenting. It’s just like anything else.
It takes a lot of persistence, trial and error, and FAILURE to eventually get it right.
Yes, is that hard to admit and terrifying sometimes? Yes!
It gave me so much anxiety and made me feel horribly guilty as a new mom.
Now that I have kept 6 kids alive, one for 14 years, my perspective has changed.
I now have the equivalent in YEARS of parenting to what a brain surgeon sounds in school!
So, I like to think I’m at least sort of qualified by now.
Yet, qualified is not that I’m perfect at it. In fact what makes me feel like a good mom is accepting that IM NOT PERFECT at it.
I used to think my kids needed to think I always knew what to do.
That would make them feel secure!
I used to think my kids needed to accept that I was always RIGHT because I was THE MOM.
That would make them respect me and behave well.
I used to think I had to control everything in their lives and our house or everything would fall apart.
That would give me my “good mom badge.”
The TRUTH is I DON’T always know what to do, I’M NOT always right, and I DON’T have to micromanage my kids’ entire lives.
Thank HEAVENS!
I’m especially grateful, over time, I’ve realized I don’t need to feel guilty, shameful, or embarrassed about that.
Now here’s the biggest parenting shocker!!
I dont have to HIDE those facts from my kids either!!
In fact, I MAKE SURE MY KIDS KNOW ABOUT THEM!
Yes! I can admit to my kids that I don’t know what to do.
Yes. I can tell my kids that I wasn’t RIGHT or I made the WRONG choice.
Yes. I can let my kids make most their own choices, and forge their own paths, and make up their own minds!
Ironically, going against what i thought was being a “good parent” in the beginning has actually made me a MUCH better parent than I thought it could!
To me, Parenting has become a partnership with my children.
Parenting is not about me wielding my authoritative power to mold my kids into “mini versions” of myself!!
It’s become about me OWNING that even though I am “technically a grown up” and “further down the road of experience” than they are, I am still growing up, learning, and changing as person too.
We are still writing our own stories and becoming our best selves WHILE we parent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not Jesus, so I’m pretty sure I’ve still got a lot to learn to be a better human.
Once I realized that parenting is more about walking parallel paths with my kids rather than forcing them into MY PATH, my need to control my feelings of guilt at sucking as a parent sometimes sometimes started to fall away.
Now I look at my teenager when she’s struggling with something and proudly declare that I 100% DONT know what to do.
I can look at her and tell her I love her, and no matter what, we will figure it out together.
That FEELS like good, honest, parenting to me.
I can look at my kids and tell them I WAS WRONG to loose my PATIENCE or I was WRONG to assume their intentions were not what I thought.
And you know what ??
They FORGIVE ME. They honor my desire to become a better person and know I’m not perfect!
In return, they confide their struggles and their hearts with me. They know that I will be there for them even when THEY are wrong or made a mistake, because they SEE ME make mistakes too!!
They DO feel SAFE.
They DO trust me.
They KNOW that in our family we don’t have it all figured out, but that we will ALWAYS figure it out together.
Me letting go of knowing it all, always being right, and controlling everything has created a culture of vulnerability, honesty, equality, and openness in our house.
It has been so FREEING for me to LET GO of the fear that I needed to control every little thing for them to turn into good people.
I’ve accepted that my children ARE ALREADY GOOD.
God created them to be good.
I’ve finally learned that I don’t need to to be a perfect parent.
Ive learned we just need to LOVE fiercely and loyaly support EACHOTHER as we grow.
We can be there for eachother in all the messy parts of figuring out who we want to be and what want out of life .
We can figure it ALL out as we go.
We will fail a lot.
That’s ok.
Because we will always figure it out together!
That’s what parenting is to me now.
That’s what family is.
Walking the journey together in love and a lot of admitting you have no idea what’s next but being secure in each-other.
Shocker.
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